When I was young and my friends asked what my father did for a living, I’d say, “He’s a psychoanalyst.”

“What’s that?” everyone asked.

I  wasn’t all that sure myself. I knew that folks paid Dad to listen to them talk and that this helped them solve their problems. It could take years. It used up lots of Kleenex. At times, a couch was involved. Even as I told my friends about it, it seemed rather far-fetched. Unlike my friends, I never once got to see my father at work.

Dad had a home office. When  patients arrived at the front door, I had to hide from them — meeting the therapist‘s family was considered bad for therapy. When the doorbell rang, I scurried from sight, fleeing up the stairs or lurking behind a closed door. I waited, silent, as my father welcomed the patient and walked him or her down the hallway to his office. Then I had 50 minutes before I had to hide again. If I wanted to invite a friend over, I couldn’t just tell her to turn up. I had to consult the schedule posted by the phone to make sure she wouldn’t encounter one of Dad’s patients chain-smoking on the porch while gathering the courage to ring the bell, or emerging from the house after a session, often in tears.

Although I never met any of them face to face, I learned something about Dad’s patients when he told Mom about the day’s sessions at the dinner table. (He was far less interested in my life — I always  suspected that if there were ever a popularity contest between Dad’s patients and his daughter, I’d lose.) He never referred to patients by name so as to guard their privacy, but I came to know the regulars. The brilliant but paranoid lawyer who burned through many marriages. The anorexic teenage figure skater who threatened suicide whenever Dad attempted to schedule a family vacation. The Oedipal anesthesiologist. And my favorite,  the vice squad cop who fell madly in love with a man he’d arrested in a public rest room.

You never knew what they’d do next. Often, despite my father’s  best efforts, it was something incredibly stupid or self-destructive. But my father was good at his job and slowly, most made progress. Not that progress was easily measured. Other fathers could win a court case or rewire a house. Mine helped a gay cop come to terms with the fact that he was indeed a gay cop.

When a patient made a breakthrough, Dad was pleased. But his pleasure was quiet. He wasn’t an effusive man. I envied my friends whose fathers hugged them and called them “Princess,“ the girls whose daddies adored them. My father wasn’t adoring. There was nobody better if you had to talk through a problem. But if you wanted a father whose face lit up at your approach — well, that wasn’t my Dad.

When he died several years ago, many patients and former patients turned up at the memorial service. Each stood up and told us how grateful he or she was for how he’d transformed their lives. “He was a wise man.” “He saved my life.” “I owe him everything.” My father made people’s lives better. How many of us can say that?

Now I’m in therapy. I talk about my problems, many of which arise from my relationship with my unadoring Dad. I’m grateful to my own therapist for helping transform my life. I use up lots of Kleenex. And I wonder how my shrink refers to me at the dinner table. The unassertive radical feminist? The bankruptcy lawyer with the broke boyfriend? Perhaps she just thinks of me as the psychoanalyst’s daughter. After a certain amount of therapy, I’m fine with that.

Join the conversation

  • Suzanne Fluhr June 18, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    If it’s any consolation, my father was an eccentric artist who, on my wedding day, apologized for not being able to love me—which BTW, was news to me . My sisters suggest therapy. I went a few times, but bored even myself.

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  • ABeidler June 18, 2016 at 12:50 pm

    Hi Roz, I loved this piece! I always looked up to your dad. However I just this minute realized (after all these years) that we are both “PK’s”. I was the kid of a Preacher and you were the kid of a Psychiatrist. We both grew up wondering if our Dads loved us as much as they did the people they worked with. Fascinating!!! Love you, Anne

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  • Emily March 12, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Thank you Roz – I can totally relate to this. As daughter of not just one psychoanalyst but two (!) I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to come to terms with it. I found it very moving, what you’ve written, and in a way it’s helped to put into perspective a lot of what I’ve struggled with all these years. So thanks. I like your other writings too, which I’ve just checked out.

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  • evelyn September 28, 2011 at 1:23 am

    Isn’t it funny. I am so jealous of my psychoanalyst’s kids, that it is strange to read how sometimes the kids of the psychoanalyst are jealous of their parent’s patients. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
    I enjoyed reading your piece, it gave me a different perspective.

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  • Jody Gillen-Worden July 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Quite moving. As a therapist-type myself, I wonder how often we overlook our own people while worrying about others. I remember once saying to my son who accused me of not listening to him: “Hey! I listen for a living, ok?” I was joking (of course) and hopefully started to listen to his story after that, but who knows…”

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  • Roz Warren June 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Thanks for commenting, DG. And you’re so right — Dad was definitely a Freudian! As for keeping my kid out of therapy, I often think there isn’t a person on earth who couldn’t use a little therapy from time to time… And while I’d like to think of myself as a perfect mother, it wouldn’t shock me to learn that I’d passed along a few “issues.”

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  • Diane Gayle June 21, 2011 at 6:35 am

    Hi Roz,

    Nice piece. Sounds like your dad was a Freudian…they tend to be much less adoring. Bet you’re seeing one of those interactive, relational ones. They tend to adore their patients and their children more. Good luck and try to keep your kids out of therapy :).

    Best,
    DG, LCSW

    Reply