I’m not too sure how it all started. Perhaps finding friends on Facebook, more than two years after I joined (declaring myself The Oldest Person there), had finally reached an end. So I searched for God.

First, I learned that there are several Gods on Facebook. I suspect Facebook of trying to cover their bases. What if one of them really is God? Would you want to be the guy at Facebook to say, “Sorry, we already have a God. You can be God01.” Right then and there, I decide (to my dismay) Facebook itself is not God.

This first God has just 317 Friends. And apparently this God is administered by a guy named Jordan Howard, better known as the “creator.”

OK, I’m not falling for this. I don’t think God would allow Jordon to call himself the creator. Seems a little blasphemous to me. And according to Facebook, we’re connected by geography. So right there, I know this isn’t God, because I live in New Jersey.

This next God has 387 friends.

A sample Facebook page, annotated to demonstrate all the information flowing to it.

Not sure this is God at all because there are posts from someone named Aylin Baysefr from Russia posing the burning question, “Russian girls is the most beautiful girl in the world/… do u agree?????” Well, I don’t think God would allow god-awful grammar and spelling on his wall—19 times. This God is administered by Afsal Hamza from Romania, so maybe it’s some sort of our-girls-are-hotter-than-your-girls smackdown site. I considered joining this group, but this God lists a related group as “Kung Fu Panda.” God only knows, that movie sucked.

Now it gets interesting, the next God has 767 friends, mainly because I think this God has a sense of humor (something I look for in my God.)

He states, “You are not friends, until you are facebook friends with God.” I’ve always heard of people having a personal relationship with God, but according to Manish Volraire (this God’s administrator), it now requires prayer AND friending God.

I admit, it would be cool to see “Peter is now friends with God.” But I’m just not sure this is really God. Lots of earnest scripture quoting here. Do religious people go to some Christian language seminar where they learn words like “helpeth”? BTW, our friend from Russia is also posting about hot girls here, which proves even God can’t get rid of spam.

Finally, the really big God: 2,825,000 friends. WOW, this must really be God. Then I think, Shouldn’t God have something like 200 bazillion friends?

This God doesn’t allow wall comments. This seems fair; after all, he’s already got prayer. What does he need a Facebook wall for?

So, I’m getting the impression this is just some slick God marketing until I read: “recent activity – God joined Facebook.” I KNOW this is a fake, because we all know God CREATED Facebook.

Anyway, the other Facebook Gods look like pikers compared to this one.

I join.

I can’t comment to my God. My God doesn’t have any status updates. There’s no live God feed or God photos. I can’t have snappy recourse with other God fans, and aside from the Britney Spears ad in the right column, this God looks more legit than most.

So now that I’ve found my God, all I can really do is is share my God with friends. For this, he is saving MySpace in heaven. Just a couple of notes for those of you wanting to do a more extensive search for God:

www.god.com Uninspired design and mostly hawking books for sale.
www.heaven.com Nifty “religion tree.” Note how Christians are apparently closer to God than any other religion. Satan has a snappy logo, but they don’t link to him, and apparently Satan is at the root of all religion.
Good is apparently is a technology company—I’m jaded.
Bad is just an advertising site—fitting, I guess.

Jen Reisen and her partner Pete Koolker have maintained the Aging Hipsters: The Baby Boom Generation website and blog since 1996. The post above first appeared there on Nov. 7, 2009.