Image by Lisa Rupp

Last year, to counter the resolution craze, Women’s Voices for Change put out a call for “ANTI-Resolution” comments from our writers. “Things We Resolve NOT to Do in the New Year” was a big hit, so this year we wanted more. We called for opinions in all moods: earnest, funny, snarky, wry, rueful . . . and almost immediately the “anti” posts came flowing in.

Things We Resolve NOT to Do This Year

I resolve NOT to refer to myself as an “old lady,” or even remark about my age.

— Anonymous (age 54 3/4)

I resolve, irrevocably, to STOP all whining. No moaning about my inability to lose weight; no groaning that I can’t hang from a bar at the gym; no mewling about my missing memory. My secret will be that I can moan to myself about everything, while putting on a serene face to the world.  Look at me,  so Zen!  It will be a good year.

— Toni Myers

I resolve NOT to buy another pair of shoes this year . . . and NOT to be too upset with myself if I am weak and unable to stop myself.

— Eleanore Wells

I will NEVER, EVER put the tip of my knife into an unknown bowl of sauce in a Mexican restaurant in order to test the hotness of what was swimming before me—green and juicy. After I gingerly touched the tip of the knife to my tongue, I jumped up, gasping: I literally could not breathe; I was having a choking allergic reaction to what turned out to be a habanero pepper. So I resolve in 2016 to be more cautious about delving into unexplored territories—and that includes what I eat, drink, or feel a magnetic attraction to . . . sigh!

— Grace Graupe-Pillard

I resolve NOT to make any resolutions that do not resonate with my “seize the moment” mantra.

— Ellensue Spicer-Jacobson

I resolve NOT to ignore the 1982 treadmill that just sits in the corner of the basement collecting dust. Instead, I will sweep off the cobwebs and name her Millie. With my running shoes laced up tight, she will be my daily walking companion until the sub-zero Minnesota winter days melt into spring.

— Diane Dettmann

One of the delights of aging is the freedom to speak up when necessary.  And so I resolve NEVER to refrain from responding to bozos with a feisty phrase I used to deplore. The history: When I was in junior high, my best friend’s mother drove us to school.  She was a notoriously poor driver, and someone was always honking at her, to which she responded by rolling down her window and shouting at the person, “Don’t get your bowels in an uproar!” Sue and I would slink down in the back seat pretending we didn’t know our chauffeur. 

But now I vow never to refrain from snarling to provocateurs, “DON’T GET YOUR BOWELS IN AN UPROAR!”

— Judie Rae

In “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,” Jerry Seinfeld asks Trevor Noah, the new Daily Show host, where he got his work ethic. Noah replies, “from being poor.” I’ve been a freelancer for most of my life, which means that I’ve rarely had the luxury of making a “resolution.” Not in my work life, anyway. I’m more self directed than most people, though deadlines have always focused my attention. In fact, it’s been so long since I even thought about making a resolution—much less an anti-resolution—that I have to wrap my head around the concept. It’s so 20th century!

— Eleanor Foa Dienstag