In their most recent Sex Talk, Dr. Hilda and Dr. Pat discussed the sexual risks and rewards of the non-monogamous life. Here, the conversation turns to sex toys—the different types available these days, and when and how to introduce them into a relationship.  

Dr. Hilda:  So let’s switch over to sex toys.  Where’s that little pink one?

Dr. Pat: Ooh!  It lights up!

Dr. Hilda: Yes.  But it’s not vibrating.  It needs to be charged.

Dr. Pat: How does it work?

Dr. Hilda: It’s designed to fit over your vulva. It’s very smooth and it fits over your vulva, and clitoris, and produces a very gentle vibration.

Dr. Pat: This is the way it’s supposed to go. [Demonstrates]

Dr. Hilda: Exactly. It produces a very gentle vibration. So for women who are older, who don’t want the very jarring, shake-you-to-your-knees kind of sensation, this is a great one to choose.

Dr. Pat: Right.

Dr. Hilda: Some older women, when they’re choosing their first vibrator, don’t want something that’s going to make them go into a seizure.

Dr. Pat: I’ve never heard that.

Dr. Hilda: They just want something light.

Dr. Pat: What I’ve heard is that women want something that, if someone finds it—a house cleaner, or a grandchild—they won’t know what it is.

Dr. Hilda: Or your mother!  I mean, it’s something you wouldn’t want your 80-year-old mother to find and say, “What do you do with this?”

Dr. Pat: Actually, maybe you would want your 80-year-old mother to find it.

Dr. Hilda: I gave my mother a vibrator, so that tells you.

Dr. Pat: Did you?  And?

Dr. Hilda: And she loved it. She thought it was great.  Initially she looked at me as if I had two heads, like, “What is wrong with you?” But I talked to her about it and said, “You know, sometimes you need…”

Dr. Pat: That conversation did not take place with Miss Edna [Pat’s mother]. Let us be clear on that.  She was widowed at 54, and she had done all that she ever intended to do.

Dr. Hilda: But that’s a generational thing, and not everybody in that generation was open to it. My mother didn’t grow up with it, or her sisters. And I’ve given them vibrators because I think it’s important to learn what it is that your body is capable of.  And certainly, the orgasms from a vibrator are very different from the orgasms from intercourse.  More intense.

Dr. Pat: Well, let’s talk about how many women have an orgasm just from the penis in the vagina.

Dr. Hilda: Well, it’s a very small number.  It’s 30 percent or less?

Dr. Pat: I think they’re lying.  I think it’s quite small. Maybe a negative number. I know porn stars have violent orgasms the moment the penis enters. But I really think that this is a highly overrated phenomenon. It’s pleasurable. The G-spot is stimulated.  But I’ve been doing this survey for years now. And I don’t have one person who says that she has an orgasm just because a penis is in the vagina. She needs to have some clitoral stimulation.

And I think that women who are beginning a new relationship might consider bringing this baby along. Something like this fits into an evening bag. And if you’re planning to go out and flirt and end up having sex with someone, you put a condom in there along with this little toy. So then you’re certain of having an orgasm with your new partner while he wears a condom, and everybody’s happy.

Dr. Hilda: How easy would that be, though, to introduce to a new partner?

Dr. Pat: Excuse me, do you think it’s going to be easier saying to him, “Before I have sex with you, I need to see like a printout of your syphilis test, hepatitis A, B, and C, your HIV test, your herpes blood test, and your HPV test.  And I’d like, by the way, for you to stop by Dr. Kling’s office and have your penis dunked in vinegar and have him look under the microscope before we have sex.”  I think if a woman has a little vibrator and a condom, she could have a first fun time that would be pleasurable and intimate, and he has very little to do. I mean, they can enjoy each other. He’s unlikely to know how to give her pleasure during a first sexual encounter unless he’s an unusual Lothario.

Dr. Hilda: What I’ve found is that for women, during that first intimate encounter with a male, your hormones and chemicals and all these things are so raging that it’s pleasurable. Many women find that they do have orgasms more easily with a new partner.

Dr. Pat: But you see, we’re not certain that the new partner knows even where the clitoris is. There are a number of men that I have reports on who couldn’t find a clitoris with a GPS.

Dr. Hilda: And that’s why it’s up to every woman to show him where it is.

Dr. Pat: This is so much easier.

Dr. Hilda: [laughs] Just say, “I have a little vibrator. Oh, by the way, you will never find my clitoris and therefore I’m taking matters into my own hands, and I’m putting this little pink vibrator on my clitoris. And you can have the vagina, by the way.”

Dr. Pat: This is how I would say it: “You know, honey, we’ve just met, and I do need you to wear a condom, of course. Because I would never consider having a relationship without first testing for sexually transmitted diseases. But you know that takes forever, and I am just so hot for you. So let’s just have mad, crazy sex. You use your condom, and I’ll help out with my little vibrator.” Believe me, he’ll be fine. Fine.  He’ll be the luckiest man…

Dr. Hilda: I think of vibrators as something that can be added in couple’s play.  I think it’s easier to use them when you really know the other person. When you know the other person, you can start off with something small like this one, adding it to sex play. Because you can rub it on yourself, and he can massage it a little bit. It’s easier to introduce this to a man, because many men fear that the vibrator will take the place of their penis, so they’re reluctant to bring that into the bedroom. I’ve used vibrators. I mean, look at this one. [Picks up a much larger vibrator.] Can you imagine bringing this into the bedroom with a man?

Dr. Pat: No.  No.

Dr. Hilda: I mean, really.


Next: The ‘Toy Story’ continues, with a look at the vibrator that Dr. Hilda and Dr. Pat are talking about, and a lively discussion about solo pleasures.  

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  • Alice Maple February 21, 2016 at 4:58 am

    I run a sex store with my wife. I have seen no shortage of our customers coming in with their stories to tell too.

    One customer was shamed by her friends when helping to buy something for her bridal shower. She was pretty traumatized as its quite a close knit community that she came from. thankfully she relocated to Singapore when her husband was posted here. They eventually visited our store at to buy a sex toy. But her husband had to spend days to get her to visit us.

    finally she realised after viewing products that it wasn’t so shameful after all. I feel for those ladies.

  • Joy February 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I am a sex counselor whose patients are mostly over 50. I have found that many of my patients are both men and women who would like to have more fulfilling sex lives, but for many reasons find it very difficult to do so.

    There are several reasons for this. The first is the aging process and the physical changes that accompany it, (menopause for women, and impotence for men). In addition, as it has been pointed out in these comments, there is the health risk as well. It is true that “Baby Boomers” who grew up in the era of “sex, drugs and rock and roll”, never gave too much thought about health the issues connected with frequent sex. In addition, STDs were not as common back then and little thought was given to the consequences of sexual promiscuity.

    As a result, the issue of sex after a “certain age” is quite different than it was when we were in our twenties. Therefore, I tell many of my patients to try a safe method to augment,(but not replace), sex. That is, the adult sex toy. More than half of all women,(53% to be exact), between the ages of 18-70 use a vibrator of some sort. Nearly 50% of all women 50+ use some kind of sex toy.

    It should be noted that this is a safe alternative to conventional sex and best of all it can be done when and as frequently as you want it. Vibrators are the largest selling sex toy among women and come in all sizes. You can have a conventional one to use in the bed room, and a smaller one to carry in your purse. In fact, if you travel a lot on business or go on vacation, you will be pleased to note that most vibrators can get through air port security !!!. In addition, you can purchase small vibrators that look like lipstick tubes, and therefore leave no chance of them being discovered for what they are. !

    If you feel hesitant or embarrassed to go into a store that sells sex toys, you can purchase them discreatly from one of the many online ecommerce sites. I personally have owned vibrators for years. At first I was a little hesitant to try one, but once I did I swore I would not be without one.

    There are several ecommerce sites that sell various types of vibrators. In fact there are over one hundred sites that currently sell them along with other sex toys. However, there is no reason to feel overwhelmed. I bought my vibrators,(along with other sex toys at a site called . This is a “one stop shop” that targets women over 50 and offers a wide selection at good prices.

    With all the sites and stores that sell sex toys it is important to have a reliable supplier who is dependable and charges good prices and is just such a place. It sells men’s toys as well in case you are looking for something to give your husband or “significant other”.

    Dr. Joy Colby