In their most recent Sex Talk, Dr. Pat and Dr. Hilda discussed the physical and psychological benefits of sexual pleasure, especially in tough times. Here, the conversation turns to men as sexual partners: their physiology, their concerns, and their responses.

Dr. Pat: I have a patient whose husband is on a new prostate drug. It’s a drug given to men who have prostatic hypertrophy, which means the prostate’s enlarged. They try to shrink it so that the bladder doesn’t become enlarged, because then there’s difficulty voiding. The first drug that he used had broad-based receptors. This new one was more narrow in its focus. But the unexpected difference in the two drugs, which was not explained to the patient’s husband, was that in some men it actually caused an increase in the number of erections and the, you know, the—

Dr. Hilda: Hardness?

Dr. Pat: No—how erect they actually were and how long they could sustain an erection. So this was a happy surprise for the man, and a surprise for the woman. It’s an interesting situation. Suddenly she has a more active sex life than she’d become accustomed to.

Dr. Hilda: Well, you have a man who’s more interested in having sex. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you become more interested because he becomes more interested.

Dr. Pat: However, I think that every woman would acknowledge that an erect penis that’s hard is a lot more fun than an erection that is not predictable and may become flaccid and cause performance anxiety. So given the alternative, this woman is actually delighted.

Dr. Hilda: I’ve heard that some women don’t necessarily like that poke in the middle of the night—you know, when he kind of comes up behind you and there’s something hard in your backside begging for attention. [Laughter]

Dr. Pat: But you know, it all depends on how smart the man is. If he expects that simply by poking his partner in the middle of the night he’s going to get anything more than a quick, “Would you mind moving back?”—

Dr. Hilda:  Or totally ignored.

Dr. Pat: Well, it is very hard to ignore the presence of a hard penis poking you in the back. But I do think if the man is romantic and very good at getting his way, then he would have developed some techniques that are more romantic. And I think that while no woman wants to be awakened at 3 a.m. every morning, an occasional and unexpected sexual encounter during the week is actually quite wonderful.

Dr. Hilda:  Well, I would agree that an occasional surprise is wonderful. But I’ve heard that there are some women who are awoken on many occasions at 3 a.m. by something hard in the middle of the back.

Dr. Pat: I would suggest that those women have a serious conversation during the daylight hours, preferably while taking a walk—since we know that men do not like to be spoken to with the direct eye contact.

Dr. Hilda: Well, I would agree that communication is extremely important. Some of my patients have said that they—the women—begin to snore when they get poked in the back, as a sign that “I am sound asleep, and I am not going to wake up simply because you have an erection.”

Dr. Pat: So I think communication in the daylight hours. I suggest to patients, when we have these conversations about their sex lives, that the conversation be staged—that they take a walk or a drive in the car so there is no direct eye contact, or do it after their partner has been well fed.

I encourage them to always be positive. To say something like, “How wonderful it is that in our time of life, after we have been together for 30 years, that we are as romantic as a couple who only met six weeks ago. I am such a fortunate woman. But you know, I do need a little attention—a little nuzzling, a few sweet words in my ear, telling me how you just woke up from a mad and passionate dream in which I was the star.”  I mean, what woman could resist that?

Dr. Hilda: But she needs to be warmed up before the main event.

Dr. Pat: Of course. And the ‘appetizer’ is not grabbing the tatas or the bush. Why do men think that foreplay means grabbing a body part? I would suggest there are stagings of foreplay.

Dr. Hilda: Well, I hear from my patients that in the beginning of relationships their partners really do more than grab body parts, and that over time they forget.

Dr. Pat: But they can be re-taught.

Dr. Hilda: Yes, they can, and should be, re-taught!

Dr. Pat: And that is our job as their partners.

Dr. Hilda: Our jobs as women who would like to have a happy sex life.

Next: Erections, Foreplay, and Morning Sex.

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  • Lucille April 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Dr Allen, I know we’ll never get all the women to participate, but I can guarantee you, if even a few thousand did, you would see some major adjustments. Now, with social media, it’s not all that impossible. After all, some women are already looking for an excuse, but that’s another subject for another day.
    I’m going to put your comments on my blog, if you don’t mind.

  • Dr Pat Allen April 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm


    Good suggestion, Lucille however getting all the women in America to agree to do the same thing would be like herding cats.

    Maybe we just pay the wives and mistresses of the men in power at Insurance Companies and their Boards of Directors to withhold sex from these guys until they change the insurance coveage! Oh yes, then there are all the share holders in these companies who make money by depriving women of equitable care. Ah yes, then the lobbyists and our beloved legislators who agree to take away contraceptive coverage. No sex for them either. Who will monitor this program?

  • Lucille March 31, 2012 at 11:34 am

    This makes me wonder why women don’t capitalize on the different value men put on sex. In my latest blog post, I suggest women try a crossed legs protest to get equity in health coverage. Think it might work?

  • Mimi December 3, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Wonder which BPH drug is the “good” one? Please share this info.