Emotional Health · Marriage & Life Partners · Sex & Sexuality

Sex Every Day at 60

Ten years ago, we created Women’s Voices for Change to provide a forum for the voices and stories of real women, along with current medical, psychological, and scientific information. Our goal: to promote an accurate portrait of who women over 40—and in every decade after 40—really are. Our posts are available daily to give hope and support to women who are frightened by hormonal change, by loss of youth, and by the negative way their demographic is presented in the media. Over the years, in addition to our Medical Monday articles—all of them written by physicians—we have created other popular beats: culture on Tuesday, psychology on Thursday, fashion on Friday, exercise and humorous musings on Saturday, and, on Sunday, poetry for the soul.

We know that you are interesting and involved in issues of the day that affect the world, not just your home and family. We know that you are visible because you choose to be.  We know that you are sexy when you want to be.  But we know that you are still impacted by ancient stereotypes about this stage of life—stereotypes that affect who you are expected to be by older children, younger colleagues, and employers in every sector—and also by media messages that you need constant treatment for unsexy conditions like loss of libido, incontinence, constipation, and aging skin.  We are here with you to provide templates for change, to answer your questions and consider your comments, and to cheer you on as you pursue reinvention or evolution. 

Valentine’s Day is six days from now.  I am sending this wonderful post from a reader to all of you as my Medical Monday Valentine’s Day card.—Patricia Yarberry Allen, M.D., Publisher

 

I gave my husband a very unusual Valentine’s Day gift last year.
I gave him . . . sex every day for a month.

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Photo by Megan Darling via Flickr. (Creative Commons License)

Last year, for Valentine’s Day, I gave my husband a gift that I wasn’t sure I could pay for.  I am 61 now, and an accountant.  Not the demographic that Cosmo would ever consider sexy.  I have been married for 36 years, have two grown children who live in nearby states, a boring job that I am good at, many good friends, and a fun, kind husband in good health who works 40 hours a week as a manager in a factory that makes small farm equipment. Over the years, we had become very best friends and had a very successful “business marriage.”  The demographers and magazine editors would assume that we might have sex twice a month, except for vacation sex.  And that is how it was a year ago.

There was nothing wrong with our ability to have comfortable and satisfying sex.  He has no erection problems and my gynecologist had discussed preventing painful sex and vaginal dryness at menopause with the use of vaginal estrogen, so sex never caused pain.  We never talked about the fact that we weren’t having sex very often, but just assumed that we were getting older and this is how it was.

And we certainly had busy lives.  We have lots of friends, separately and together.  We both belong to community and professional organizations.  We are involved in our church in a meaningful way. We each mentor young people in the boys’ and girls’ club in our city.  We see our children for the big holidays and about once a month, when we travel to see them, and we share a week of vacation with them in the summer. 

We used to have frequent and fun sex; then the children came along and work demands continued.  It wasn’t always easy, frankly, in my late 30s all the way to 50, until the younger child headed off to college.  It did help that my husband was always an equal partner.  I had childcare and a bit of help with the housecleaning, so I know how lucky I was.  Still, all this turned out to be a libido-downer.  My husband said that every morning, instead of saying something nice, I would open my eyes and say, “I am so tired.”

I am writing this post anonymously because I do not want to be identified.  I am sure there are lots of women like me who have changed their sex lives in a good way, but I never read about them.   I only hear that women who are in long term marriages get tired of having sex and do everything they can to avoid it.   

I gave my husband a very unusual Valentine’s Day gift last year.  I gave him . . . sex every day for a month.  After he picked himself up from the floor, in shock, he was thrilled but unconvinced that this would work out.  He told me that it was the most romantic gift that any man had ever been given, but he would understand if I had a busy or stressful day and he didn’t want me to feel bad about welching.  I told him that the gift came with some qualifiers.  Since we were going to have sex every day, then we wouldn’t have the luxury of prolonged lovemaking for this one month—otherwise I could develop pain.  And we both needed to up our game in terms of looking our best at home, not just for Saturday night out.   I bought new lingerie.  He bought a new Cary Grant–looking velvet robe and some silk PJs for lounging.  I ordered a new vibrator, bought some erotic films, and we were set.  We were very proud of ourselves. 

Next Page: How did it end? Did they have sex for 28 days/nights in a row?  Read More

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  • jim June 23, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    Thanks Dr Pat.
    Yes no doubt those 3 are different. I was merely pointing out that any of those 3 would not work. I have no objection at all to her or any other person objecting to certain things or have idiosyncrasies. I know I do and expect all do. But when a person has no sense of adventure connectedness toward their spouses desires what do you do. We have had 4 different therapists and have new one now.

    Reply
  • Patricia Yarberry Allen, M.D. June 23, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    Dear Jim,

    There is a difference between lingerie and perfume and introducing the concept of anal sex…

    Perhaps your wife and you might benefit from some couples counseling regarding communication skills and intimacy. It could be very helpful if you could support any small steps toward flirtatious behavior in the bedroom that you could discuss in a safe environment with a therapist. If your wife feels that you have sexual interests that she can never share, it could prevent her from making any effort.

    Just sayin’

    Dr. Pat

    Reply
  • jim June 23, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    always kills me when I hear of women buying lingerie to intrigue their husbands – the idea would never, never ever, cross my wife’s mind. Yes, regardless of how many times I suggest or imply or outright request it. She also says perfume (which I simply adore) bothers her sense of smell. You can believe I will not suggest anal sex or talking dirty.

    Reply
  • Andrea February 8, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    How liberating and refreshing and yes SEXY !!! What a turn on for both – making the effort, thinking about what pleases you and your partner and how to keep your 30+yr marriage fun ….. What a great position to be in – no pun intended!!!

    Reply
  • JM February 8, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    Wow! Wow! Wow! This sounds like a dream come true.

    Reply
  • Barb Calabrese February 8, 2016 at 10:46 am

    Love this article!!!

    Reply
  • Mickey February 8, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Sex after 60 and for this woman and her husband, every day, 28 days. Excellent. Thank you, woman, her husband, WFC.

    Reply