Bd  “Brooding Dude”

“You’re the only one who can truly understand me. Don’t enjoy the party! Spend all evening trying to coax me out of my shell.”

 

A   “I Argue”

“You don’t agree that a good, fierce no-holds-barred argument enhances any conversation? You’re wrong! Will you agree with me if I shout at you, call you a moron, and pound on the table?“

 

Wch  “World Class Hypochondriac”

“Never mind your mom’s recently diagnosed brain tumor. Look at this mole on my stomach. It’s so ugly, it’s got to be cancer!  I‘m doomed!”

 

Rd  “Rude Driver”

“Speed limits are for chumps. Courteous driving is for suckers. Leaning on the horn is my favorite form of communication. Get the hell out of my way, asshole!”

 

Twt  “Texts While Talking”

“Hold that thought! This incoming tweet is REALLY important.”

 

Foe  “Full of Excuses”

“I know I have a fine for returning The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to the library two months late. But the dog peed on the carpet, the dry cleaners overcharged me for removing the stain, and then the bank bounced my check! So I’m strapped for cash. Maybe I’ll pay it next time.”

Mb  “Mama’s Boy”

“The kids were driving you crazy today? It’s funny how my mother had five boys and yet managed to run a business, keep a perfectly clean house, never raise her voice, always dress stylishly—and cook a delicious dinner for her family every night.”

Lb  “Lying Bastard”

“Sure, I was out all night and didn’t call. I had to get that business plan done and my cellphone battery was out . . . . There’s a red lace bra hanging out of my briefcase? I bet those crazy guys from the tech department stuck it in there for a joke.”

Ti  “Totally Incompetent”

“I know it’s Halloween—but you never told me you needed the candy tonight.”

Hccd  “Hates children, cats, and dogs”

“Take care of me. Everyone else can go to hell.”

Tj  “Total Jerk”

“Wow, when you wear that Stealers shirt if reminds me of my old girlfriend. She looked really hot in a football jersey.”

Atw  “Allergic to Work”

“I’m too busy conquering the 847th level of this video game to hunt for a job. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Ckaj  “Can’t keep a Job”

“I had to quit. The boss was an idiot. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Hcb  “Hyper-critical Bastard”

“That dress makes your butt look fat. No, you didn’t ask me. But I thought you should know.”

Hdb  “Hyper-demanding Bastard”

“All I want is a beautiful woman who’ll dote on my every word, laugh at my jokes, excel at a glamorous career, give birth to my kids and take sole responsibility for raising them, rise at dawn to prepare my breakfast, pick up my dirty clothes without complaining, and cook gourmet meals for 40 people at the drop of a hat. Is that so much to ask?”

Isf  “Insane Sports Fan”

“If you go into labor during the Super Bowl, you’re going to have to get to the hospital yourself.  And we’re naming the baby Peyton. Even if it’s a girl.”

Sd  “Stinky Dude”

“Showering and shaving are for sissies. Women love my smell. I’m a natural man.”

Ba  “Brilliant Artist”

“Don’t you realize my work is epic? It’s far too important than for me to do the dishes, remember your birthday, or actually listen to anything you have to say. Unless what you have to say is that my work is epic.”

Si   Selfish Idiot”

“Sorry you had a bad day. I know what will make you feel better—give me a foot rub and then we’ll go out to my favorite restaurant!”

Mj  “Macho Jerk”

“Women are inferior. It’s scientifically proven. And God wants it that way too. Hey—where are you going? Come back here and listen to me when I’m putting you down!“

  • Lisa REhfuss February 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    ND – no dude. Ahhh, the silence is golden!

    Reply
  • RozWarren February 14, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Jody — it is now. Thanks for the comment.

    Reply
  • Jody Gillen-Worden February 14, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Very funny! Sorry it took me so long to read it. I’ve been busy dealing with a wide variety of the schmucks you described so pithily (is that a word???)

    Reply
  • Kelly February 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

    hilarious!!!!

    Reply
  • Mark Lowe February 12, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Ha! This is wonderful!

    Reply
  • irene February 12, 2012 at 12:05 am

    Ah, why do all these types seem so familiar!? It’s sad. And why is it gay men are (or seem) so much nicer? That would mean it’s not Y linked, so…?

    Reply
  • Kate February 11, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Of course I can’t help but love this piece. And the wonderful thing is new, previously unimaginable schmucks are being discovered every day!

    Reply
  • RozWarren February 11, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Stacia, I’ll have to include Wt (wealthy tightwad)when I update this!

    Reply
  • Stacia Friedman February 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    The thing about schmucks is that they LIKE themselves. Case in point: A wealthy photo-journalist invited me to spend the weekend with him in a 5-star NYC hotel. The hotel and meals were an expense account perk. He had a press pass that would get him into MoMA for free. I didn’t. Guess who paid for my $25 museum admission?

    Reply
  • Ruth Nathan February 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Rd was once deftly explained by an NPR regular (I’ve forgotten her name), but it’s in their jeans, genes, whatever.

    Reply

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