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Click here to purchase on Amazon.com. Proceeds from your purchase help fund Women’s Voices‘ nonprofit mission.

Nostalgic for those happy golden years when your kids were little? I’ve got just the book for you. The Big Book of Parenting Tweets is a new collection of 300 tweets from funny people who also happen to be parents, curated by Kate Hall, creator of the popular Hall of Tweets blog.  

It is delightful. Immediate. True. Laugh-out-loud funny. And these dispatches from the front lines of parenting will provide you with a trip down memory lane and a much-needed reality check.    

Why? They’ll remind you that, as wonderful as it is to parent young children, it can also be exhausting, tedious, and ridiculously stressful. 

In fact, you and I are pretty damn lucky to have reached a time of life when we can take for granted little things like free time, sufficient sleep, and the ability to throw on a nice outfit not covered with baby spit and leave the house without anybody clinging to our legs and howling. 

Laughter is a terrific way to reduce stress. And today’s beleaguered parents have something going for them that we didn’t—social media! We could kvetch to our family and friends, but they can vent to the whole world. 

Thanks to Twitter, when an amateur comic who is also a parent cracks a good joke, the world listens! And if you need a good laugh, you should, too. Check out this sampling of the book’s best wit, wisdom, and wisecracks:

Yesterday I cleaned my house, which is dumb because we still live here.

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2YO threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middleman & throw away a plate of food & squirt ketchup on the dog.

My artistic 3YO has chosen the dining room table as her canvas, a blue Sharpie as her paint brush & lax supervision as her motivation.

My teen daughter dropped her phone. It broke. The world came to an end. Good-bye, everybody.

My 4YO just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Glad my son can read because now someone calls out from the backseat every 2 minutes with the current speed limit and how I’m exceeding it.

5YO: Mom, will you get me a yogurt?

Me:    You’re closer to the fridge.

5YO: (moves to the other side of the room) Now you’re closer.

World peace could be achieved if all the political leaders of the world had to work together to dress and undress Barbies.

Fun Fact: The average group of 4YOs can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Tonight we will be having “That looks kinda yucky” with a side of “How many bites do I have to take?”

Reasons my 2YO threw a fit today:

1) I woke her up

2) Her socks felt funny.

3) Her balloon was too floaty.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children, he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Put a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome. 

4YO: My teacher said zombies aren’t real.

Me: That sounds like something a zombie would say.

4YO: hides under her bed forever

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.”

“Sweetie, this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets.”

My signature move is spending 4 hours getting my kids to sleep and then tripping over a basket of cymbals on my way out of the room.

I only have to wait 30 more years before my daughter realizes I know what I’m talking about.

4YO: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.

4YO: Why?

There should be a theme park called Parentland where only parents can go. The rides would be couches where parents can just sit in peace.

Reassured the 5YO at 2 a.m. that there are no werewolves, then went back to bed where I can’t let my feet hang over because of the evil clowns.

MY 9YO says she always unbuttons her jeans when she sits on the couch because I do. So that’s my legacy right there, people.

 

I’ve been having a great time quoting these lines to other parents of adult children. We laugh like hyenas and agree that we never had as much fun as when our kids were young. Then we order another round of margaritas and toast the fact that not only we can stay out as long as we want, but we won’t have to pay off a babysitter when we get home. 

 

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  • Kelly December 14, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    these are hilarious!

    Reply
  • mable December 12, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    If the book is as funny as the out takes above it must be an hilarious read!

    Reply
  • Toni Myers December 10, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    thanks. perfect gift for my exhausted daughter!

    Reply
  • Rena McDaniel December 8, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    These are hilarious! I love reading Katie’s posts they always crack me up. Thank God my kids are grown.

    Reply
  • Ellen Dolgen December 8, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Hilarious! Parenting is the gift that never stops giving to comedians.

    Reply
  • Carol Cassara December 8, 2014 at 10:46 am

    These are quite hilarious. It never fails to amaze me what life as a parent is like.

    Reply
  • Lois Alter Mark December 8, 2014 at 1:17 am

    Oh, parenting gives you so much good material to work with. These are hilarious – and too true!

    Reply
  • Lisa at GrandmasBriefs December 7, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    This, I saw: “My teen daughter dropped her phone. It broke. The world came to an end. Good-bye, everybody.” With my TWENTYSOMETHING daughter!

    Resonates on every level. Thankfully that’s all in the past for me!

    Reply
  • Norine of Science of Parenthood December 7, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    What a great write-up! I can tell you that the team — Kate Hall, Jessica Ziegler and myself — had an amazing time putting this book together. I’m so thrilled you enjoyed it. And we’ll be adding your write-up to our media page! As a 48-year-old mom, I too enjoy laughing at the antics of toddlers while being thankful that I’ve got a fourth-grader!

    Reply
  • Carol Cassara December 7, 2014 at 9:13 am

    I don’t have kids, but still, I can relate!

    Reply
  • elizabeth Hemmerdinger December 6, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Thanks for this! I needed a good laugh – particularly after seeing WILD.

    Reply
  • Leslie December 6, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Awesome Roz. Now that they’re adults that just ask for homemade chicken soup…without the chicken! Some things never change.

    Reply
  • Mister Wonderful December 6, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Wonderful!

    Reply
  • Andee Zomerman December 6, 2014 at 9:41 am

    These are awesome. Thanks for sharing some of the tweets. I’d seen the book, but now I know I want it.

    Reply
  • Andrea December 6, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Laughed out loud. Great way to start the day. I do miss those days….. On to grandchildren where you can return them when ur done playing. Perfect!!!

    Reply