Forget leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets, or having the super-strength to clobber bad guys. Here are a few superpowers I’d really love to have.

Being able to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

Always choosing the fastest-moving line at the supermarket.

Knowing exactly the right words to get a sullen teen to open up and have a conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

Being able to remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting any of the yummy taste.

Opening directly to the steamy pages of any bestseller.

Summoning the right devastating retort whenever somebody says something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly! Not two hours later.

Always finding a parking space right in front of my destination.

Refraining from blurting out “I got it at Target” every time anyone compliments my attire or décor.

Magically making a cop appear to hand a fat speeding ticket to anybody who scares me half to death by rocketing past me at 90 m.p.h. on the freeway.

Always getting the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby.

Alternatively, being able to magically calm and quiet any howling baby.

Choosing exactly the right scarf to go with that outfit.

Recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”

Being able to transfer any huge ugly bug or small, fast-moving rodent I find in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.

Giving fast-onset laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to clobber them. But that might be asking too much, even when it comes to superpowers.

Join the conversation

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • Isy January 3, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Another great one, Roz!

  • RozWarren December 29, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Jody, alas, we both know that to be true!

  • Jody Gillen-Worden December 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    What a great list, Roz! I like the one about speaking to sullen adolescents the best. Sometimes they aren’t even adolescents anymore, but the power is still required….

  • Amy December 26, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I have parking karma. 90% of the time I get rock star parking.
    I guess I’m just blessed.

  • irene December 20, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    This essay has a sweet feeling to it! I will work on manifesting some of these excellent ideas for superpowers~

  • Ruth nathan December 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    I instantly related to every, single wish. It would be cool if I always left my glasses in the same spot.

  • kate December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Another wonderful, hilarious essay! Brillant ideas, as is Joan’s.

  • Anne Beidler December 20, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    As always, funny, yet touching writing from dear RW!!

  • RozWarren December 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Joan what a GREAT idea!!! I was howling with laughter when I read it.

  • joan December 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

    I’ve always wanted to power to give anyone debilitating diarrhea telepathically. Not only would it stop crime and evil, (not that I’ve ever fired a gun, but I imagine it would be hard to aim if I were doubled over) but it would give me a great deal of satisfaction. Think of the social change I could affect. No evil lobbyist could influence my reps if they were constrained to the toilet.