When the two of you are driving to the chiropractor, to the pharmacy, or to attend your grandson’s kindergarten play to enjoy his fleeting appearance as Snow Flake No. 7, the songs you first fell in love to may still be on the radio but they no longer seem to apply. Instead, a few Love Songs for Long-Married Couples:


Every Little Thing She Does Is Menopausal

I Got You and Erectile Dysfunction, Babe

My Heart Will Go On, Now That I’ve Got This Pacemaker

Baby I Love Your Hot Flashes

Total Eclipse of the Hip

I Will Always Love You, Even When You Steal the Blankets

Maybe I’m Amazed That I Still Remember Your Name

Time After Time You Remove Your Dentures

Killing Me Softly With His Snoring

All You Need Is Bran

When a Man Loves a Woman, He Invests Wisely In a 401(k)

Love Me Tender I’ve Got Brittle Bones

It’s Only Love (That Keeps Me From Throwing Out That Old Barcalounger)

I Want You to Want Me to Buy a New Prius.

Wonderful Tonight. And Tomorrow Night. (See? Leftovers Aren’t That Bad.)

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face Was in 1968

How Deep Is Your Love Because I Can’t Reach That Top Shelf

Love to Love You Baby but Not After 9:30

Heartbreak Hotel Has Better Rates With a Senior Discount

You Are the Sunshine of My Life and I’m Using SPF 30

You’re the One That I Want to Go Down and Make the Coffee

Love Will Keep Us Together Because It Sure Isn’t Your Cooking

I Will Survive Your Cooking

Fly Me to The Moon So I Can Avoid Your Cooking

Feels So Right to Get Chinese Take-Out

Three Times a Lady Called About That Insurance Policy

Let’s Get It On Before the Early Bird Special Ends

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  • Jen June 17, 2012 at 12:09 am

    sooo funny! not what I was looking for to thank my husband for my beautiful daughters but so fitting in general!

  • Roz Warren July 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks, Rina! You have made me laugh out loud countless times!

  • Rina Piccolo July 11, 2011 at 10:16 am

    This made me laugh out loud more than once. Great stuff!