Patricia Yarberry Allen, M.D. is a Gynecologist, Director of the New York Menopause Center, Clinical Assistant Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Weill Cornell Medical College, and Assistant Attending Obstetrician and Gynecologist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital. She is a board certified fellow of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Dr. Allen is also a member of the Faculty Advisory Board and the Women’s Health Director of The Weill Cornell Community Clinic (WCCC). Dr. Allen was the recipient of the 2014 American Medical Women’s Association Presidential Award.

New Year’s resolutions are made and broken by most people soon after the list is made. It is often difficult to imagine how to make a resolution that will change either the big or small things that are impeding growth personally, in relationships, or at work. It is hard to comprehend how to do things in a better way, how to give up old habits that no longer work and how to find new ones that can add happiness and health to one’s life.
Making New Year’s resolutions is especially difficult when we have just ended a decade of the greatest economic turbulence in a century. Loss of jobs, loss of confidence in the economy and the financial system has had an unexpected and far reaching impact on the lives of almost everyone. The social network provided by the federal, state, and local governments and the many charities that have contributed to the care of those who are without work, homes, food , healthcare or hope has become frayed, stressed by the fallout of economic losses in all sectors and all parts of our country.

This environment alone could prevent most people from the annual exercise of optimism based on the belief that we can make choices that will improve our lives if we resolve to do so on New Year’s Day. It is hard to search for new ways of living, in this time of chaos and uncertainty, in order to find a clearer understanding of what constitutes a meaningful life.

Americans are not what we became during this past half century. We began the last decade, the start of the new millennium, drunk with exuberance and the sense that there were no limits. We now find ourselves, 10 short years later, staring at the bill that has come due for over indulgence, over leveraging, and the entitled sense that we could have everything if we could just find the next big opportunity. We defined ourselves as the consumers of the world. We were what we owned, and now many have had our possessions taken away.

This is the time for the recovery of our best traits: resilience, ingenuity and creativity. We have the capacity to turn away from the habits that exacerbated the recent economic collapse, and replace them with that which really matters: living an authentic life, where money and status do not rule; improving relationships, and focusing on self-care.

We can now find out who we are and what we are really made of. We have a chance at this time to make resolutions not just for a year but for a decade. Each of us can reflect on who we are and what we know to be truly important to us. We can understand that we do not need more but we need to recover that which has always mattered. This is the crucible in which we should forge our resolutions for 2010. Since most of us cannot change the course of history, I propose that we begin this first year of our new decade with that which is possible: self change.

I have struggled today to define my New Year’s resolutions. I know that I am an Olympic gold medalist in the work department — and that honored as I am by a gift for healing others, I sometimes forget to care for the healer. I am determined to focus on making meaningful change in my relationships, to address how I spend that special commodity “free time,” to make time for joy in small ways and to recognize that it is time for a more spiritually-focused life.

I resolve to limit the time I spend with others who do not add meaning to my life. This is not selfish. It is self awareness that directs me to recognize those with whom I share an important bond. When we are younger, we spend time socializing endlessly. Perhaps we don’t have the capacity in that life stage to appreciate the importance of intellectual and spiritual connection that makes shared time with others life changing and life affirming. Mindless socializing becomes a bad habit that I intend to break.

I resolve to find a new way to have a “cocktail hour” every night. This is not a frivolous resolution. This long-revered ritual has been the divide between the demanding work day and the free time that most people have in the evenings. Since I am not a big alcohol fan and frequently arrive home later and later, cranky and tired, this will be hard for me. I need to place a premium on my free time the way I do my work time, and find a ritual that marks the beginning of this special part of the day.

I resolve to add music back to my life. I lost the habit of turning on the sound system when I walked in the door and have not given much thought to the emptiness that is there now. I need to crank up the volume and start dancing again every night. I have been too busy or too tired to find the time for the opera and chamber music recitals that give me such joy. I will take Friday nights for this gift to my spirit.

I resolve to find more time for romance. The husband understands romance better than I do. He knows that romance is the real intimacy. Sex is easy. Intimacy is hard. Relationships need tender care and attention or like other delicate flowers, many die from lack of care. I resolve to find the fun and the mystery that was always a catalyst for our relationship renewal and always made us so close.

I resolve to put human existence into perspective. I have a new church home where the chapel is filled each Sunday; the week there is full of opportunities for education, prayer and service to others. It is in this place that I connect to the most significant part of my life. It does matter what we do in this part of eternity. I live with the belief that when this life ends for each of us it will have been important that we took time for our spiritual lives.

Resolutions for the end of this decade are more likely to address what can be meaningful since many have learned that focusing on financial gains and material goals were ephemeral and misguided. I live with the certainty that in chaos we can always find opportunity. At the start of this new decade we have the opportunity to resolve to return to a life based on relationships and values.

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  • Carol Holder March 4, 2010 at 11:48 am

    First time on site..what a breathe of fresh air. Needless to say my diet resolution went kaput, the economy and personal finances stressed but, good news, married to same man for 27 years( he’s 10 yrs younger to boot) 2 great kids and now a new web site that speaks to me…..

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  • Dooze January 3, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    WOW!Pat, thanks for your continued inspiration. Your words,as always, hit home -even across the miles. Thank you for putting into words what I could not, and for prioritizing all of the thoughts and feelings that have crossed my mind and spirit. I truly appreciate your sensibility, style, and grace. Happy New Year to you and your family.

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  • Liza Near January 3, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Thank you my dear friend Pat. ONCE again you have inspired me along with all of these amazing women that read and write on this blog! Here is to all of our resolutions in 2010 and beyond.

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  • susan swartz January 2, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    I met for an end-of-year drink with a friend who was beat up in a brutal sexual attack one morning when working alone in her office. She fought and punched and bit her attacker she said because she didn’t want her grandson to lose one more essential person in his life. She has a couple of scabs on her face but she still laughs like no one else and is determined to not let the assault get in the way of her freedom. She wears a whistle around her neck and has given them to some of her colleagues, but she continues to walk where she pleases, night and day. We drank to her strong will, convincing screams and being alive.

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  • Tara Dillard January 2, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Over a decade ago, while working in my garden, a clear inner voice said, “You choose the plants to put in your garden, choose the people to put in your life.”

    Before the day was out, many people were ejected from my life. Little did I know it would be a life changing choice.

    Carl Jung, “Our lives are about getting the outside to match the inside.” Potent.

    Garden & Be Well, XO Tara

    Reply
  • Willse Elizabeth January 1, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Brava, Pat! Inspiring, practical and fun post.
    What sort of music do you like to dance to?

    Reply