Damn All the Experts, Full Speed Ahead!

You’ve probably been going to the same hair stylist for years because you like the results. That’s no reason to stick with the status quo. Think how exciting it will be to have your hair styled by someone who’s never held a scissors in his hand before! Say, a bus driver?  Or your dry cleaner?

Nobody likes lawyers, even if you are one. All the more reason to entrust your important legal matters to someone who thinks a tort is a dessert. Yes, I am suggesting that you confer with a waiter or waitress regarding estate planning, divorce, mergers and acquisitions. People in the food service industry may not know much about the legal system, but they’ll give you great advice. Especially about the day’s specials.

Speaking of professionals we dread, isn’t it time to cut loose your dentist? There is no shortage of people who’d be thrilled to poke around your mouth. Your mail carrier, for instance. Or the boy who bags your groceries.  Why let someone drill into your skull just because she has a framed degree from a prestigious dental school?  Let’s giving drilling rights to Community College dropouts!

And who is to blame for the crisis in education if not our teachers? (Certainly not parents!) Let’s replace public school teachers with bartenders. Who knows better how to control an immature crowd, a punch fest, or sex in the bathroom?

Finally, enough of gun violence! Let’s replace the police force with sports fans armed with baseball bats. These guys aren’t afraid of anyone, especially after a few hours of tailgating.

Rather than view the current political climate as the Dumbing Down of America, I see this national attack on “insiders” as an opportunity. I’ve always longed to be an astronaut!  Now, in spite of my claustrophobia, fear of heights, and the fact that my grade in college Physics was a D+, I see no reason not to aim for the stars!


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  • Sybil Terres Gilmar March 8, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    I mean people can claim they want to be president all they want if they’re unqualified. Most of those people wind up in some psychiatric facility. What worries me is all the people that believe the would be wanna bes. What happened to our education system which was supposed to teach truth from fiction, reason from delusion? Doesn’t appear to be evident in today’s political arena. That’s what worries me even more that the unqualified spouting qualifications.

  • Anne Louise Bannon March 8, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    Perfect. Just perfect. Add the lack of experience, a complete lack of diplomacy, and we might as well have the North Koreans running the country!

  • Jane Brydon March 8, 2016 at 8:34 am

    A dog training friend of mine told me her lawn man told her he could no longer cut her lawn. He was now going to be a dog trainer. How interesting, my friend said. Did you go to school for this or study with a certified professional dog trainer. No. He watched Cesar Milan and felt totally qualified to offer his services. Donald knows politicians, which obviously makes him qualified to be president.

  • roz warren March 7, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    The Killing Fields of Cambodia have never come to my mind in response to a humor piece. But my pal Suzanne is both a lawyer and a Zentangle whiz, so her mind is clearly out of the ordinary. Meanwhile, becoming an astronaut seems like a reasonable response to the notion of President Trump.

  • Suzanne Fluhr March 7, 2016 at 6:00 pm

    This would be hilarious if we weren’t possibly really going to find out if DT will have his finger on the button. I’m a recovering lawyer, so by all means, let’s turn the practice of law over to pastry chefs. Why should lawyers have to have all the GERD? As you point out, this idea has been tried—the Cultural Revolution in the People’s Republic of China and the Killing Fields of Cambodia spring instantly to mind.

  • Mickey March 7, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Stacia, you are wonderful! What a great idea! I must send your comment about the car mechanic to my own! No, he’s a Tea Partyer and wouldn’t understand. But he is an excellent mechanic, his protests to the contrary that he’s not perfect. Sigh, and thank you so much. I’ve put the nation and its politics and those who are voting on a prayer list. God bless us all and when we are really biting our nails, we can read your essay for a good laugh.