zz-top-tush-london-2Retired cantor Janice Woltag Cohen just turned 50. We boomers all know what that means. It’s Colonoscopy Time!

Colonoscopy! That fabulous 50th birthday present you give to yourself. Yes, it’s yucky. But it’s absolutely necessary. (It could save your life.)

As kids growing up in the 50s, we joined the Mickey Mouse Club. Now that we’ve hit the half-century mark, it’s time for the Colonoscopy Club. 

Looking at a day filled with poop-inducing “cocktails,“ lots of clear fluids, maybe a little Jell-O, and a million trips to the bathroom, Cohen decided to have a little fun. She needed some distraction. Not to mention something that would get her in the right mood for that very special procedure. 

So she logged onto Facebook and posted a question:  “What songs should I put on my colonoscopy mixtape?”

Cohen has 1,412 Facebook friends. Most of them are boomers. And, apparently, all of them are smart-asses. They were on it in a flash:  

The first suggestion? 

“Ring of Fire, by Johnny Cash. Duh.”

Following which, Cohen’s pals quickly came up with:  

The Long and Winding Road

Baby Got Back

Looking Out my Back Door

Back in the Saddle Again

Fixing a Hole (The Beatles) 

My Humps

 

“Hilarious!!” Cohen responded.  But her Facebook friends were just warming up. If Cohen needed some tunes to help her through this boomer rite of passage, then that’s what she’d get. How about:   

Like a Virgin

Little Brown Jug

Brown Sugar

Turn, Turn, Turn

Bad Moon Rising

Coal Miner’s Daughter.

Dirty Work (Steely Dan)

 

Then they really started to get into it:

“‘Tush,’ by ZZ Top!” 

“How about my fave Springsteen tune—’Thunder Road?’”

“James Taylor’s ‘There’s Something in the Way She Moves.’” 

“John Cougar Mellencamp’s ‘Hurts So Good.’” 

“Paul McCartney’s ‘Let Em In.’”

“’The End,’ by the Doors.” 

“Anything by the Butt Hole Surfers!” 

“Anything by Hole!”

Even a classical music fan got into the act, with: “Beethoven’s Last Movement!” 

One friend posted: “Another man might suggest ‘Don’t Touch Me There,’ by the Tubes. But I have too much class to even suggest that.” 

Several folks suggested the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers classic “Cheek to Cheek.” One even linked to the video. 

Another linked to a music video called “Colonscopy: It’s Not That Bad,” from the Stop Colon Cancer website. (The song is a hoot. Listen and laugh.)  

 

And the titles continued:  

I Wanna Be Sedated

That Ain’t No Way to Go

Black Muddy River

Highway to Hell

Friends in Low Places

Foggy Bottom Breakdown

 

The final suggestion?  “Classical Gas” (Mason Williams). 

Janice ended up receiving 125 comments in just two hours. (One pal pointed out that actually playing through all the songs would last much longer than the procedure itself, which usually runs around 30 minutes.)

 Janice, laughing, posted: “Thanks for making Baby’s First Colonoscopy fun!“ 

With any luck, she’ll drift off under anesthesia with “Moon River” echoing in her ears, and emerge, after a quick and painless procedure, with a clean bill of health. 

Happy 50th birthday, Janice. And welcome to the Colonoscopy Club! 

 

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  • Suzanne Fluhr July 8, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Somehow I missed this one the first time it was up. I fully expect ( will insist) on being or during the procedure, but these are great. Classical Gas. Good one!

    Reply
  • jody October 31, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Hilarious. I will need my own mix tape soon….

    Reply
  • Stephen October 29, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    I took the “low road” and had them just knock me out for the procedure. So no music . . . . On topic though, the night before prep is a good opportunity to try out those adult “diapers’ everyone is wondering about . . . . . . ha!

    Reply
  • hillsmom October 29, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Has this been posted before for those who need a laugh?

    http://youtu.be/_N0w2rORwSc Enjoy…

    Reply
  • pat szumski October 27, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    …to quote mark, Ha!

    Reply
  • Kelly October 27, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Looking forward to it now!

    Reply
  • pat szumski October 26, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    i had to have the little c when i was being examined for the big C. told the doctor i added tequila to that vile laxative and it stopped her in her tracks for a moment then she laughed and said she would pass it on to her patients. no restrictions on having a drink the night before the procedure and it eases the gag reflex…

    Reply
  • Toni Myers October 26, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I’ve had three such charming procedures, more often than usual since I had polyps the first two time, none this last. My favorite piece of advice for the first one: a close friend who also had a terrible time downing it, added white wine. I did so and it helped me drink. I’ve since read that’s a no no. Party Poopers!

    Reply
  • Leslie in Oregon October 26, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Tips on getting that vile prep drink down (gallons of it) without tequila (see Pat above)? That is definitely the hardest part of a colonoscopy!

    Reply
  • Mark Lowe October 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Ha!

    Reply
  • pat szumski October 26, 2013 at 11:17 am

    advice: part of the preparation for a colonoscopy is drinking a vile liquid that tastes slightly of lemon. add tequila.

    Reply
  • Suzanne Celebi October 26, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Everything about this article has laid me flat! I love the idea of turning something dreaded into something fun and the choice of songs…well, I’m still laughing.

    This is an inspired way of approaching all difficulties of life. With humor, community and absolutely naughty “joie de vivre”, we can take the power away from uncontrollable situations.

    Thanks for some great ideas!

    Reply
  • Liz October 26, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – by Wham

    Reply