1. They live in the basement with no money, no aspirations, and no job prospects, happy to freeload forever.
2. They live in a distant city, happy and sufficient, and never phone us.
3. They do phone us, but only when they want something.
4. They marry a Republican. (Or: They marry a Democrat.) (Or: They marry a person who doesn’t give a damn about politics.)
5. They sell the Rauschenberg print we gave them as a housewarming gift and use the money to buy a gigantic flat-screen TV.
6. They vacation in St. Barts instead of joining the clan at the mammoth family gathering at Uncle Mo’s place in Bugtussle, Wyoming.
7. Every thoughtful gift we give them ends up on display in the living room of our daughter-in-law’s parents.
8. They decide to tell us all about how we ruined their childhood—at our 50th birthday party.
9. When we give Grandma’s heirloom wedding ring to our daughter-in-law, she has it reset in a tiny skull and uses it as a belly-button stud.
10. They go into professions that are immoral, dangerous, or overly religious. (Or: they go into professions that are immoral, dangerous, or insufficiently religious.)
11. When they visit, they wreck the guestroom with their sexual antics, and their Labradoodle takes a dump on the Oriental rug.
12. They somehow get the idea that we like porcelain angels, and that’s all they ever get us for birthdays, holiday gifts, and Mother’s Day.
13. When they borrow the car, they change all the preset stations from NPR to Top 40.
14. They don’t have time to spend Thanksgiving with us, just to stop by to drop off the vintage catamaran they want to store on our driveway.
15. When we publish humor pieces complaining about them, they are not amused.
RozWarren on Sat, 16th Jun 2012 8:58 am
Disclaimer: I would like to state for the record that my own adult son has never once given me a porcelain angel. And that my daughter-in-law’s job is exactly the right amount of religious.
a beidler on Sat, 16th Jun 2012 10:35 am
Very funny piece. However my “perfect” children will never do any of these things!!! HaHa
Just One Boomer on Sat, 16th Jun 2012 11:18 am
Touche (accent over the e). How about: When (if) they visit, they stay long enough to put in a load of laundry and they call out over their shoulder as they head out to visit their local friends, “Yo, please put my clothes in the dryer when the washing machine is finished.”. They say “please” because you raised them right.
Mark Lowe on Sat, 16th Jun 2012 11:44 am
This is wonderful!
Andrew on Sat, 16th Jun 2012 11:51 am
re: #10, my mother didn’t really understand that i was a professional rapper until the local paper did an article on me. which wouldn’t have necessarily been a big deal if the article didn’t talk about things i said in my songs. i think it was about then that she wanted the money back that she spent on college.
which is why when i became a professional poker player, i just let her think i was merely unemployed. there was less arguing that way.
Jody Gillen-Worden on Mon, 18th Jun 2012 4:13 pm
Again, you nailed it!
IB on Sun, 24th Jun 2012 10:47 pm
When they visit, they only speak to you to let you know that something is wrong with the modem, or the toaster, or that the basement is flooding.
Diane on Tue, 6th Nov 2012 1:59 pm
Your daughter drains her 401k for her latest (in a string of) boyfriend, allows him to hide out from his child support obligations (by living in her home rent-free), and she blames the state of her finances on “the economy.” She escessively name-drops postings on social media sites of “free” movies she goes to, also excessively name-drops coupon-clipping systems she uses as a cover (she thinks no one will recognize this behavior).