I’ve been asked to review this tsunami of a year that nuked Japan, sent Bin Laden on a one-way deep-sea fishing expedition and gave us that gripping new reality show: the GOP Debates.
But maybe you haven’t been paying much attention to politics. After all, there was so much else going on. This was the year that marked the comeback of Big Butts and Small Assets, which in my case never went out of style. Lindsay Lohan was in court more often than Judge Judy. So she accidentally walked out of a jewelry store with a diamond necklace? In Hollywood, that’s not stealing. It’s multitasking. (No one can say she didn’t make a clean—and perky—breast of it in Playboy.) Lady Gaga showed us some interesting things to do with meat that never crossed Martha Stewart’s mind. And I don’t know about you, but I am totally fahrklempt about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. I mean, if they can’t make it work, what chance do we mere mortals have?
We had two Princess Brides in 2011. Kate Middleton made it okay to be a demure brunette from humble origins and Kim Kardashian made it okay to be an insufferable ignoramus (seizing the title from Snooki). The Arab Spring had us all punch-drunk with democracy coming to the Middle East. What did we get? Those darling defenders of the burqa—the Muslim Brotherhood! And if you weren’t one of the giddy shoppers, like Newt and Callista, who helped Tiffany’s earnings soar by 40% this year, you might’ve noticed that things aren’t going so well for the rest of us. In fact, we’ve been doing so poorly, they’ve given us a name. The 99%.
Personally, as much as I admire Occupy Wall Street, I think they’re off target. Clogging the streets of Lower Manhattan, or any major city, isn’t going to create the kind of change we need. I say, Occupy Nordstrom. And Bloomingdale’s. And Saks. Fill the nation’s upscale stores with angry women who have had enough, who aren’t there to shop but to draw attention to the mess we’re in. It’ll be fun! We’ll do Pilates in the cosmetics department. Tai Chi in evening wear. And zumba in the shoe department.
In fact, this is what I’ll be watching for in the coming year. Women waking up, shaking up and organizing. Shouting down the GOP and even our president when he isn’t listening. Because no matter how the next election plays out (or who Kim marries next), it’s we women who have the most to lose or gain with every roll of the dice.
Everything is on the line. Medicare. Social Security. The EPA. The air we breathe. The water we drink. Our right to wear Spanx. So join me! I’m not going to fend off rent-a-cops at the mall by myself. Afterwards, we’ll meet at Chili’s for nachos and a pitcher of margaritas. The revolution is here.