Online Dating: Advice From a (Former) Single Female

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As more boomers and seniors turn to online dating sites for friendship and romance, one savvy user describes her experience.

by Mary Ann Smorra

I’ve always enjoyed the first movement of a sonata — inviting, rather lively, easy to understand and appreciate, and certainly easy to identify. Then there’s the second movement: more quiet, a reflection of the first. It’s not the same excitement or pursuit, but there are underlying motifs that give it a special quality. There is more depth.

In my experience, the first movement is an apt metaphor for internet dating, whereas the second reflects the potential development of a match. Progression to the second movement is not easy, particularly for adults who have already spent a great deal of their lives in a sequence of relationships. Internet dating becomes the arena in which casual relationships crop up and die down; lack of commitment, possibly fueled by fear, is commonplace.

As a proponent of "friendship dating," however, internet dating sites simply became a means to meet people with whom I only intended to share an interesting time. The thought of finding my sweetheart was certainly present, but I did not exert expectations on myself or on my dates.

As a dating medium, I think the internet provides a viable milieu in which to explore one’s own preferences. However, "buyer beware" is an apt warning. The dangerous partners are the ones who have already fallen in love — with internet dating sites. For some people, it’s like being in a candy store and the addiction is very real. You know things are headed in the right direction when your suitor says, "I’ve taken myself off the sites."

So, before beginning, decide what you want. Are you truly looking for a partner? Someone you will share yourself with? To be honest, it is a challenge. There are guys who are not up to it; don’t get hooked into a game that has no future.

Decide what you want, how long you’d like to try it, and most importantly, determine your back-up plan. What else is going on in your life that gives you thrills and chills and is simply fun? For me, it was dancing. Who’s in your support group of life? I have wonderful cousins and friends. Invite these true blues to provide feedback on your dating choices.

Before going on internet sites, I was finding myself on dates with guys who simply appeared, or who were introduced by friends. I do not go to single dances or bars, and most definitely I do not date colleagues. I find all three less than savory endeavors.

But the lure of an internet dating site! I could collect data, make observations of a limited nature, set timelines — all at my computer. Yes, I admit it appealed to my analytical view of the world; I’m the sort of a person who kept an Excel chart to track dates. And why not? It gives me the opportunity to see exactly what I want and where I’m going.

But now it’s time to drop the thinking and get on with the feeling. And that is what I’m doing with my current … well, we’re past the friendship dating phase and we’re a work in progress.

So, at least for now, I have excused myself from the sites. I am clearing both my calendar and my head so I might focus on the gift of my current beau. It’s the first time I’ve done so, and it took a bit of thought, but I think the effort will be worth it.

For those who are just starting this process, I offer the following advice based on my experience. Also be sure to read the online safety tips provided by reputable dating sites, such as these pointers from Match.com.

- Be yourself. Sounds simple but it’s true.

- Pretend your advisory board is sitting with you at the computer (and on your date). Wallow in the luxury of e-mailing for a while. Get a feel for the individual. Yes, this might be a Cyrano de Bergerac situation, but given enough e-mails, you can scope it out.

- Act only within your comfort level. Do not do anything just to make the other person feel better. If someone is making demands, there might be a risky reason for it.

- Forget about the competition. Know your self-worth and be willing to let it shine, virtually and in person.

- Do not feel you must accept all invitations. Choose only those that appear to have the potential for a meaningful and enjoyable time.

- I am not a proponent of people calling me during a date to try to give me an excuse to leave. If I need to leave, I say so. Yes, this has happened a couple of times; masochism is not my desired state of being.

- Meeting friends and family can be complicated. Wait until you’re ready. In one situation, my date’s dad asked me what my intentions were. Might save the family until you know the answer!

- Keep a journal. You might want to look for patterns. Are you choosing well? What are you learning from it all? For example, given my penchant for the first sonata movement, I know it would take a tremendous amount of attributes in my partner to make a commitment.

- Don’t take the e-mail comments personally. These guys don’t know you and many will have their own issues with women that have nothing to do with you. And today it could look as though he is very interested; tomorrow might be the last time you hear from him. Be prepared.

- Not all men correspond equally. For example, I once received an email that read, "Do they teach being cute in Little Silver? There are 3 of you from there on Match right now, and you all have the most delightful smiles, lol, makes a guy want to relocate." Though tempted to do otherwise, I responded politely: "Thanks for your notes. I don’t think we’d be a match. I’m beyond "cute." Good luck in your search."

One other exchange that ended a potential friendship dater: "Hello, I have no idea at all of what kind of person you are looking for. You will have to put down some requirements. Or do you just want someone to take you to dinner and a show." My response: "Hi, Thanks for the note. No, I can take myself to dinner and a show. Don’t think we’re a match. Good luck in your search."

- Do not accept a date or continue dating because you feel sorry for the person. It only makes you uncomfortable and confuses the date. Of course, I do wish there was someone lovely to whom I could introduce some of these guys. They may not be for me, but it does seem that there are plenty of nice people out there.

- Most importantly, don’t get hooked on these sites. Have a back-up plan for fun and relaxation with family and friends. Or plan a great night by yourself — my favorite nights alone generally include the following essentials: movie, pizza and a beer.

I’m thrilled to have found someone with a chivalrous and constant heart. After a little more than a year of online friendship dating, I’m ready to simply rejoice that he has appeared. What excitement to revisit the first movement with one’s sweetheart! Keeping in mind, of course, there’s always the third movement: the music of the moment.

Mary Ann Smorra, Ed.D., is a professor of education at Georgian Court University in Lakewood, N.J. She also leads seminars for the Creative Problem Solving Institute and is a presenter and performer for national and international organizations.

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