Buy Shoes on Wednesday and Tweet at 4:00Buy Shoes On Wednesday and Tweet at 4:00 is a new advice book that tells the reader the best possible time to get everything done, from flossing one’s teeth to visiting Zanzibar. As a public service, I’ve used the information provided in that book to create an ideal day: 

First thing in the morning, start a daily ritual that will become a habit (you‘re more likely to stick with it); go to the car wash (it’s less crowded and the machinery is cleaner); and ride your horse (he’ll have more energy at that hour and won’t get overheated).

Between six and eight, pick strawberries (that’s the time of day the plants are strongest) and hunt (more animals are out at that hour, so you’re more likely to kill something). 

At seven, take a break to update your Facebook page. (“Just shot a moose! About to breakfast on tasty moose hash and fresh strawberries.”) Your friends are logging on as they wake up, and are more likely to read it.

Then shave (if you cut yourself, you’ll lose less blood) and hold a garage sale (you’ll get more customers). 

If you live in a high-crime neighborhood, make sure to get to the ATM before nine. (You’re less likely to be mugged.) 

As the morning wears on, you can go bowling (it’s cheaper), exercise for weight loss (you‘ll burn more calories), get a massage (your massage therapist will have more energy), and get a colonoscopy (the doc is more likely to find abnormal growths, if they do exist). 

At eleven, stop to buy a diamond. (That’s when sales staffs in jewelry stores are most fresh and focused and likely to provide good service.) 

And in the late morning—sing! (Your vocal cords will be nicely warmed up.)

Maybe you can make up a song about your colonoscopy.   

Get your nails done in the afternoon. (They’ll have plenty of time to dry, and the salon will be less crowded.)  

Then, at three, interview for a job. (You’ll be most likely to be remembered by your not-yet-exhausted interviewer.) 

In the late afternoon, it’s best to knit. (Your hand/eye coordination is at its peak).  

But make sure you don’t knit DURING the job interview.

At four, vacuum your house (your mood and energy will both be up) and mow the lawn (the grass is dry and easier to cut). Then post a tweet. (“Just mowed the lawn and vacuumed my house!”)   

At five, post on Facebook. (“Got the job! Snacked on moose leftovers. And I’m almost done with this lovely hand-knitted afghan for my horse.”) Your friends will read it as they check in before leaving work. 

In the evening, take your dog for a run (you’re more relaxed and he’s less likely to get overheated). Then brush his teeth. (After the run, he’ll be more compliant.) Then purchase a gerbil. (They’re nocturnal, so gerbil-shopping in the evening gives you a better idea of what they’re like than during the day, when they’re sleepy and sluggish.)  

At seven, teach someone to drive on the highway (There’s less traffic, so it’s safer.) 

At eight, read to your child. (Perhaps a book about how to take care of a new gerbil. Or a fairy tale about a horse and a gerbil who become best pals.)  

At ten, do the laundry (power is cheaper off-peak).

If you don’t want to do the laundry, you’ve got a great excuse. Ten is also the best time to go to bed. (It’s good for your health to sleep from 10 to 6.)   

But, before you drift off to dreamland, don’t forget to floss. (You’re less likely to rush, and the inside of your mouth will be clean while you sleep.)  

Sweet dreams! Maybe you’ll dream about visiting Zanzibar. (If so, keep in mind that the best month for that is July.)  

  • isabella January 15, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Hilarious. Now I know the optimal time of day to read a Roz essay is…anytime!

  • Roz Warren January 14, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Kelly, I agree. A great day for everyone but the moose.

  • Toni Myers January 13, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Alas, the book will be such a disappointment after this piecee. Maybe you should write a book on time management. THAT we’d all read with glee.

  • Julie Danis January 13, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Now I know why my knitting projects have faltered. I was casting on before noon! This is a great piece with many tidbits to make my day move more smoothly and with plenty of laughs.

  • Kelly January 13, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    sounds like a great day to me! (except shooting the moose)

  • Ruth Nathan January 12, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Hysterical! “Read a Roz Warren piece at sevenAM, since you’ve had your first bathroom run and at least one cup of coffee. You won’t have an accident, since you’ll not be able to control your laughter, and you’re awake enough to appreciate you’re not dreaming. She’s real.

  • andyjohnson January 12, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Great Essay! I read it last night at about 9:30 and again this morning at 8. Both terrific times to read Roz Warren essays.

  • Roz Warren January 11, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    I’m glad to know I have such wise-cracking readers. Tobysgirl, your comment made me laugh out loud! Thanks, everyone.

  • wm January 11, 2013 at 4:48 pm


  • Jody January 11, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Now that’s just plain silly! What’s a good time for a belly laugh?

  • Tobysgirl January 11, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    I tried riding my horse to the car wash first thing in the morning, but he wouldn’t go through.

  • Just One Boomer (Suzanne) January 11, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    I’m relieved to find that you endorse my schedule, except as you know, in the Philadelphia metropolitan area we are not able to hunt moose. Here, we are limited to deer—and the very occasional black bear up towards the Lehigh Valley. Also, personally I prefer to crochet rather than knit. I must now go tweet that I posted this comment.

  • hillsmom January 11, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Wonderful! Unfortunately, when I went out to pick the strawberries, the chipmunks beat me to them. No moose, but plenty of deer which seem to love everything I’ve planted. Still have parsley and oregano, though. Will be sending this around to all, too.

    Sorry, but I don’t do “twits” or whatever.

  • Roz Warren January 11, 2013 at 11:43 am

    You’re welcome, B. Elliott! And thanks for sharing it with your pals. Nothing makes a writer happier than MORE READERS!

  • Mark Lowe January 11, 2013 at 10:37 am


  • B. Elliott January 11, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I laughed out loud! I am going to send this to everyone I know to start their weekends out right. Thanks, Roz!


Join the conversation